ff

a friend texted me yesterday, while i was out running work errands, that he was crying over the sentencing in the rehtaeh parsons case.

 

remember her? rehtaeh. we aren't supposed to use her name. remember? remember how well reporting went for her? remember that there was a photograph of her rape, and still she was blamed and shamed and doubted and mocked? remember how cruel the world was to her? remember how she did not survive it? remember how we grieved when she died?

 



{rehtaeh's father, delivering the victim impact statement yesterday as reported by the cbc}

'why wouldn't a person report an assault?'
'we are having a watershed moment!'

{amanda hess writes on rehtaeh for slate.com}

i don't know what justice would look like, exactly. i don't. but i know this isn't it. i don't like prison as a catch-all. but i want something. i want something better than this. a system that rips a girl to shreds when she has already been broken apart.

the system is broken. the system is sick and rotting at its core.

'why wouldn't a person report an assault?'
'we are having a watershed moment!'

forgive me if i am not a believer. forgive me if i am too tired, even, to cry for her again. and for the ones who never got brought out into the public eye, whose assaults stayed 'community matters', who will never even come close to this non-justice-justice, to being heard and believed and cared for.

happy friday, don't forget.

news

* location of the newest mass shooting revealed
* desperate nation tries getting on board with mass shootings

can we make a deal? can we only have the onion report on shootings from now on?
because today, there's really just one thing that i think has anything honesty ringing through it. maybe you remember it?

* fuck everything, nation reports

can we just stop? pretending to care. pretending to be horrified. i mean.
i know we care on an individual level. of course we care. of course we are horrified.
but i'm talking collectively. the states. our neighbour. us.

can we not get up and make a speech about how 'unimaginable' it is?

that word is beyond ridiculously ill-fitting. of course it is imaginable. come on. can we not say shit like that to the victims' families and friends? to the people who witnessed it. can we not patronize them with words that ring so false? no one cares. nothing will be done. we will talk for a little while, and we will clutch at our hearts and we will shout and cry, and we will not so much forget as we will just not... and then it will happen again. and we will say all the same things, and we will pound our hands on the table, and we will declare that now is the time. we will reignite conversations rand repeat them pretty much exactly like we did last time, like, how long ago? fuck off. stop it.  it is embarrassing and it is gross. so let's just not. let's just shut it. let there be some god damn silence because maybe, maybe, there can be a moment of genuine solace in that void. instead of this bullshit cacophony.

when i learned about columbine, i threw up. it was the most heartbroken i'd been in my little life. it was the most devastating thing for my poor little sensitive heart. i was in grade 9. it was a madness i could not begin to get my head around. i didn't understand my own anger. i didn't understand anything about it at all. the hurt i felt was everywhere. whole body. i was shaken to my core. utterly lost.

i am easily affected by tragedy. i take on emotion so deeply. i am emotional. this is something we know about me. i've wept for a lot less than a school-full of murdered children. on the wrong day someone tripping getting off the streetcar can bring me to tears.

when i looked at the scrolling updates from washington and i shrugged. the only word that surfaced in response was 'yup'.

yup. shrug.

i'm sorry that your deaths won't matter. i'm sorry nothing will change. i'm sorry guns are more important than you. than we.

shrug.

i'm going to go back to listening to britney now.

saved my life

today i am feeling hollowed out. so tired, still, despite all the sleep. despite all the caffeine. truly. all the caffeine. black tea, energy capsules, red bull, coffee beans. and still falling asleep where i stand. not a moment of clarity or alertness. and then, not so surprisingly, the spinning headache and swirling cold sweat all up my arms. i am fed up with this body today.

this quiet desperate dance, then. i had forgotten how wonderful it was.



when other helpers fail and comforts flee...
still, always, my favourite hymn.
i just want to be able to make it to ballet tonight. please.