off and back.

i spent years feeling unsettled... always working towards a something. i don't remember when it started exactly. university? just after? i am not sure. it seems like forever ago. there was always a something. tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... forever waiting to be living completely.

(probably it is a 20s something. feeling like you are preparing for being a whole thing. (almost out of those. 20s...))

anyways. i wasn't, anymore, for a little while. just for a few months. all of the things stopped being somewhere else and were just being. i loved all of the things right here and right now. i was present and happy and good. job life home friends love city. it's not that before i was unhappy. just not there.

and then: there.

still looking forward and excited and wondering and nervous... but there. here... present.

and now. not, again. waiting. looking. and it is harder to go backwards. it turns out. than to feel behind in the first place. i am sick of looking forward. making choices for then instead of now. i would like to just be here.

i was very happy and very here.

ff

what up, rape culture!? whatcha been up to lately? cool, cool.

* how's about you give this a read?

okay, jokes aside (HAHA RAPE!) this is a solid piece. all academic in nature. thanks thomas!
it is longish, but well worth the time. there are statistics and percentages, guys! NUMBERS! and, too, some very good advice. i just want to cut-and-paste it all, but i'll try to limit myself to:

something that i'm finding terrifying and shocking as i learn more and more about rape culture is how many people i actually know who have been sexually assaulted. i always thought the list was too long when i was looking at the 'society-confirmed-rapes', but now as i think back on stories i have been told over the years... there are so many i never classified correctly. never truly appreciated the extent of damage and violence. so so many. and i shudder to think about what my reactions were when i was told about these assaults. did i listen openly or did i try to excuse the acts - try to empathize with the bad guy because, you know, he was a 'nice guy'? did i build one more tiny wall against a victim classifying her assault as just that? god i hope i didn't. but i probably did. even though there was always a banging in my gut i didn't understand. all i can do is know what i know now and never ever ever put up such a wall again. let's all be that way, okay?

happy friday, my lovely internets.