flowers

 

i am rather slowly working my way through this piece where snp & tao lin talk to eachother for a while, semi-curated by sheila heti. it is charming and lovely and also kind of hard to get through cause awkwardness. and flowers. as you know if you follow my instagram, i am all flowers all the time these days. flowers always flowers everywhere or i'd never survive this summer. but. anyway. snp said something about lydia davis (whom i will read soooooon, it's on my stack) that i laughed at a little as it is kinda sorta how i feel about snp.

i like that. quite. i've been underlining a lot in the things i've been reading lately. like maybe they'll help me fix this brain of mine. like maybe they'll help me know what to be doing. or comfort me in the things that i am not doing. (like. how should a person be? page one. haha.)

roommate-sarah recently explained my snp-feelings to someone who was trying to figure out what on earth i was talking about when i was talking about her. she called her my sorta-daemon. like in phillip pullman. dark materials. and i like that a lot. i should re-read that series. (also. me and sarahs, hey? i mean. i know it has to do with my generational-peers and whatever, but whoa. me and sarahs, sarahs and me.)

i wish i was better at reading. if i could be one thing, i think maybe that is what i would be. better at reading. faster. more capable of retention. (or i would be a singer in bjork's choir. alternatively. for my one thing. so maybe i could have two one things i could be?)

saved my life

if you would like to bet on what i'm doing at any point today it would be a very safe guess to say i am listening to the national 'i need my girl'. that is about all i'm doing today. (well, you know, work and stuff. but all the while. listening listening. oh i need my girl.) i have been waiting for this song since a MILLION YEARS AGO when they played it (with owen pallett, even) live in toronto and all the tiny tears snuck out my eyes and i was sohappysosadsohappysosad.



if you come over we can listen to the album version cause i have that now and yeah. hi. best day.
happy monday, lonely hearts.
(edit. yeah, i realize now that it is actually tuesday. shhhhhhh.)

off and back.

i spent years feeling unsettled... always working towards a something. i don't remember when it started exactly. university? just after? i am not sure. it seems like forever ago. there was always a something. tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... forever waiting to be living completely.

(probably it is a 20s something. feeling like you are preparing for being a whole thing. (almost out of those. 20s...))

anyways. i wasn't, anymore, for a little while. just for a few months. all of the things stopped being somewhere else and were just being. i loved all of the things right here and right now. i was present and happy and good. job life home friends love city. it's not that before i was unhappy. just not there.

and then: there.

still looking forward and excited and wondering and nervous... but there. here... present.

and now. not, again. waiting. looking. and it is harder to go backwards. it turns out. than to feel behind in the first place. i am sick of looking forward. making choices for then instead of now. i would like to just be here.

i was very happy and very here.

mercy me (the night is long)

*warning. this post is heavy and has swears. i wrote it late last night during a particularly angry bout of the night-time-sads. i thought about not posting it. but i try to give valid time and space to my night-time-sads even in the much calmer light of day. because they are very much a part of me and they are as real and as fleeting as anything else. so being honest with them is being honest with myself and you. but don't worry. i'm fine.*

{photo by james nord}

i am so lonely it is killing me.

i hate that. because it is not that i can't be alone.

i love being alone.

i hate all those 'learn to spend time with yourself' preachy pieces. i am a master of doing things alone.
often i'd rather watch the play or the movie alone. for a less edited reaction. to actually feel the thing rather than moderate. so as to never make anyone uncomfortable? so as to be accommodating and apropos?

but i want my fucking someone, god damn it. i deserve my fucking someone. and sometimes it is so much a part of me - the lacking of that part of me - that i can feel it everywhere. and i want to throw up and i want to punch walls. and i want to scream at all the people who are doing it wrong. that it is unfair that they get to go around pretending. thinking they know better and that i could have what they have if i just relaxed or some bullshit. and i watch them smash and train wreck their way through. and i find it completely exhausting. i am completely exhausted.