dust in the spotlight

{from my tumblr, but really from here}

 

i want so much to tell you not to die. i know it is a useless and mostly meaningless thing to say. but i'd like to say it all the same.

i am sure you have people who actually know you, who are there, who are telling you not to die. and i know that even those people can barely create a pull, really, when the sinking begins. and i am only a girl on the internet.

i do not understand suicide. but i do understand that my lack of understanding is largely luck. my moods have not got that far in. not yet. hopefully, maybe, they never will. but also one of the many medications i take or will take might maybe tick just so. and that side effect they tell you might maybe happen will happen. i understand that my not understanding is a fragile thing. i am susceptible to that side effect, of course, too. if the nauseous and the fatigue and the headaches and the reflux and the trouble swallowing and the fitful sleeping that leads to foggy, unfocused days... if those, then the others, too, are possible.

so i understand that telling you not to die is not helpful. asking that you not die is unkind. i can feel people wanting to ask me not to die, and i want so much to promise them forever and ever i won't. i want to laugh at the absurdity of the thought because it is, for me, so far, a completely absurd one. hopefully forever and ever.

(and now, in the weeks since i wrote this, you have seemed so good. so safe and so fine. in the way that you may never be entirely fine but you are fine for now fine. and it doesn't seem so pressing that i tell you not to die. but really i don't know a single thing.)

send it up

yes. exactly. awb is so fantastic. all of edmonton go to his show please. june 9th to august 18th at the art gallery of alberta.

off and back.

i spent years feeling unsettled... always working towards a something. i don't remember when it started exactly. university? just after? i am not sure. it seems like forever ago. there was always a something. tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow... forever waiting to be living completely.

(probably it is a 20s something. feeling like you are preparing for being a whole thing. (almost out of those. 20s...))

anyways. i wasn't, anymore, for a little while. just for a few months. all of the things stopped being somewhere else and were just being. i loved all of the things right here and right now. i was present and happy and good. job life home friends love city. it's not that before i was unhappy. just not there.

and then: there.

still looking forward and excited and wondering and nervous... but there. here... present.

and now. not, again. waiting. looking. and it is harder to go backwards. it turns out. than to feel behind in the first place. i am sick of looking forward. making choices for then instead of now. i would like to just be here.

i was very happy and very here.

ughoooops

 {my new bedroom curtain that makes me wanna punch the air i love my room so much}

i just spent a few minutes thinking (like reeeeally thinking) about my friends (like the magical unicorn ones who are made out of love) and how much i love them and how some of them are sad and i wish they weren't, even though i know that sad is an important thing to be sometimes and i wouldn't trade back my sads for anything but still i wish i could make it go away because (what reason do i need when you already know they are magical unicorns?)...

so now i'm a little sad but bursting, too, with the lovingest bits. ooooops. ooof.

they don't love you like i love you

oh goodness me all of the things that get deep under my skin and into my heart and make me a little sick and dizzy. why do good wonderful beautiful clothes make me so deeply sad? ache ache ache for all time. right up high in my throat and in the tops of my thighs. numbness in my shoulders. like certain songs (maps, in california, stacks...). like birch trees.

{honor spring 2013, photos by marcus tondo at gorunway.com by way of style.com}

blending

{photo from here}

sometimes i feel very sad for chameleons. sometimes i wonder if they have no idea who they are, really.
if you take away the surroundings.

mercy me (the night is long)

*warning. this post is heavy and has swears. i wrote it late last night during a particularly angry bout of the night-time-sads. i thought about not posting it. but i try to give valid time and space to my night-time-sads even in the much calmer light of day. because they are very much a part of me and they are as real and as fleeting as anything else. so being honest with them is being honest with myself and you. but don't worry. i'm fine.*

{photo by james nord}

i am so lonely it is killing me.

i hate that. because it is not that i can't be alone.

i love being alone.

i hate all those 'learn to spend time with yourself' preachy pieces. i am a master of doing things alone.
often i'd rather watch the play or the movie alone. for a less edited reaction. to actually feel the thing rather than moderate. so as to never make anyone uncomfortable? so as to be accommodating and apropos?

but i want my fucking someone, god damn it. i deserve my fucking someone. and sometimes it is so much a part of me - the lacking of that part of me - that i can feel it everywhere. and i want to throw up and i want to punch walls. and i want to scream at all the people who are doing it wrong. that it is unfair that they get to go around pretending. thinking they know better and that i could have what they have if i just relaxed or some bullshit. and i watch them smash and train wreck their way through. and i find it completely exhausting. i am completely exhausted.

4am

i am going to show you two collections here. even though there are quite a few images for each. they fit together well.

there is a certain melancholy which is specific to summertime. when it is so hot and the days are so long. and everything is bright and alive and we are so happy. and when sadness creeps in, which if you're like me is inevitable, it feels deeper than the sadness of wintertime. because of that very bright hot aliveness that is everywhere. how can you be sad when the world is this bursting, amazing thing?

i love this sort of confused feeling. i love the strangeness of the light when the sun is coming up too soon and you haven't yet figured out what went wrong the night before. how you got into this mindset. where the heartache came from this time. the stickiness of sunscreen residue and the burning in your eyes.

(there's less of that here. in toronto. and that makes me miss home. one of the very greatest things edmonton has is its short short summer nights.)

or. you know. something like that...

(and the shoes in both. dream.)

 {anne valérie hash resort 2013, photos courtesy of anne valérie hash by way of style.com}

 {damir doma resort 2013, photos courtesy of damir doma by way of style.com}