blending

{photo from here}

sometimes i feel very sad for chameleons. sometimes i wonder if they have no idea who they are, really.
if you take away the surroundings.

saved my life.

david rakoff.

this week's 'this american life' is entirely him. in his memory.

take a listen. it is a wonderful thing. he was a wonderful thing. he was canadian! it is so sad to have lost him.

he talks about the facade. the ability to joke. to cover a deep melancholy and loneliness. wit. and so much more. he was an amazing storyteller. and he burns RENT. which. is exactly what everyone should do. haha! amazing!

and his performance at this year's TAL live was my very favourite thing. i cried when i first saw it. and then cried again, harder, when it was replayed on the podcast. here it is. it is a type of magic i can't begin to explain.



thank you, david, for everything.

happy monday friends.

atop again with VISUAL AIDS!

a ton of people looked at my hair-question post. which is so hooray forever! BUT! only 12 people actually voted. (or, actually less cause there were 12 votes counted, but some people voted for more than one look which is totes allowed.) what's the deal, yo? i really need your help! i am less-decided than ever!

i got to thinking is that maybe people are having a hard time imagining what those hair colours would actually look like on ME rather than on the lovely lovelies that are pictured. so! funtimes sunday! i did an artistic representation of each hairs for you to consider! tadaaaa!!!!

here's the template. me at my most colourless. with the imagined hair length. you know. of the future.

right? yup. about right. okay. now here's me with all the hairs options. note. the copper tones (haha coppertone!) didn't scan very well on the red hairs. it's a bit pinker than i would go for. so. you know. be open in your considerations. 

{the darkest hairs} 

 {the mixed hairs}

{the red hairs} 

{the white hairs}

let's try again! now that you can seeeeeeee all the options.
(and for reals this is the most fun of my life. pretty much.)

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she'll grow to love (the tender roses, lilies fair, the iris tall...)

i dreamed about shopping for planters and filling my balcony with a garden. so much green. (which is very on-point since i've been feeling shameful for not having done now that everyone i know is posting pictures of their tomatoes and zucchini on the internets...) so this feels like the right collection for this morning. (and i say 'this morning' knowing that it is after noon. because i let myself sleep in today. the kind of blurry hazy sleep in where you can't seem to crawl out of the blankets for hours and your one arm keeps going numb. fevered. so it is still morning to me. here with my coffee and eggs.)

{douglas hannant resort 2013, photos courtesy of douglas hannant by way of style.com}

ff

i've barely been on the internets this week, and so i didn't really get my feminism on. but! i did meet some cool new chicks last night, and one of them posted an article on the facebook today! and how handy is that? it's about fashion AND feminism! i've only read the first half. but. so far so good. let's all read it together!

* fashion is a feminist issue

haaaappy weekend friends.

mercy me (the night is long)

*warning. this post is heavy and has swears. i wrote it late last night during a particularly angry bout of the night-time-sads. i thought about not posting it. but i try to give valid time and space to my night-time-sads even in the much calmer light of day. because they are very much a part of me and they are as real and as fleeting as anything else. so being honest with them is being honest with myself and you. but don't worry. i'm fine.*

{photo by james nord}

i am so lonely it is killing me.

i hate that. because it is not that i can't be alone.

i love being alone.

i hate all those 'learn to spend time with yourself' preachy pieces. i am a master of doing things alone.
often i'd rather watch the play or the movie alone. for a less edited reaction. to actually feel the thing rather than moderate. so as to never make anyone uncomfortable? so as to be accommodating and apropos?

but i want my fucking someone, god damn it. i deserve my fucking someone. and sometimes it is so much a part of me - the lacking of that part of me - that i can feel it everywhere. and i want to throw up and i want to punch walls. and i want to scream at all the people who are doing it wrong. that it is unfair that they get to go around pretending. thinking they know better and that i could have what they have if i just relaxed or some bullshit. and i watch them smash and train wreck their way through. and i find it completely exhausting. i am completely exhausted.

forever damp

i wish it was actually possible to pull off that slicked back wet hair look. so fresh-out-the-pool. so unattainable in the real life. sighing. but since i can't have that hair, i will instead accept that luxurious long blue dress.

{costume national resort 2013, photos courtesy of costume national by way of style.com}