legs

diving. i had been fighting with whether or not to go this week. i was tired as hell, as usual (neuro appointment so soon, omg can't wait), and i'd cycled into my 4th cold this winter. but generally getting into the pool makes me forget those things for a while. diving makes me happy and excited and almost almost feel like a real human person who is awake in the world. so. i went.

and on my second warm-up jump... (second. WARM-UP! not even attempting a basic front dive. just. hurdle, double bounce, front jump.) i lost any sense of centre, twisted in the air, and as my left foot touched down on the board, my right foot touched down on nothing and i smacked face first into the water, shinning the board on the way.

so it hurt. but not even that bad. (not as bad as my flop last week.) mostly i was confused about what my core had done. so i shook it off and laughed and got back up and did another totally messed shaky hurdle, but didn't fall off the board. buuut. coach pointed out that my shin was bleeding and had me sit down with ice on it. at which point i started crying. and then i couldn't. stop. crying. i was frustrated with myself because it didn't even really hurt, and i was only crying cuz tired/frustrated. which made me cry more, which made me more frustrated, you get the idea. then all the sweet little teenanged divers and the coaches kept asking if i was okay, and looking at me so sweetly-nicely, and that just made me more frustrated with myself cuz THIS IS FINE, STOP IT, SELF, and i couldn't think of an easy way to explain to everyone 'oh i just haven't had real sleep in, like, 2 years, and i haven't cried in a few days so my eyes are just doing this thing, it's fine, don't worry! fine, fine. go about your dives!'. embarrassed. angry. tired. tired tired. tired.

eventually i stopped crying enough to do two real simple t-jumps (so as to not have DISASTER be my last jump of the day), went to the showers, cried there for a while more, went home. ridiculous. more ice. some tv and wine.

the good news is that i'm not shaken by the board. the bad news is that i don't trust my body these days, but that isn't so much news. i look forward to a time when a mistake feels like just a mistake, not one more piece of evidence that there is something wrong that i can't seem to solve. i look forward to a time when i am not teetering constantly on an emotional edge, unbalance and brimming with fatigue. i look forward to a time when good days are more than not-feeling-like-absolute-hell, but are actually good. strong. consistent. reliable. rested. because crying on a pool deck in front of teenagers is just not cool, erin.

saved my life

fiiiiine i'm back to real life. ugh. don't wanna. new york some more! ugh. ugh.



happy wednesday, sleepy-deads.

fever dream

it is only just just march 12th and it is already too hot to sleep. i have the window open all the way. i am tangled and sweaty in my duvet. all winter the heat didn't seem to work in my room, but now that it is spring...

she'll grow to love (the tender roses, lilies fair, the iris tall...)

i dreamed about shopping for planters and filling my balcony with a garden. so much green. (which is very on-point since i've been feeling shameful for not having done now that everyone i know is posting pictures of their tomatoes and zucchini on the internets...) so this feels like the right collection for this morning. (and i say 'this morning' knowing that it is after noon. because i let myself sleep in today. the kind of blurry hazy sleep in where you can't seem to crawl out of the blankets for hours and your one arm keeps going numb. fevered. so it is still morning to me. here with my coffee and eggs.)

{douglas hannant resort 2013, photos courtesy of douglas hannant by way of style.com}

sleeps

the parentals left yesterday evening. sigh. how i wish they were closer to here. but it was great to have them for the long long weekend, and there is an abundance of candy and chocolate (and potato) in my apartment now.

and after i left the parentals on the train to the airport, i went home and watched criminal minds. (which had drucilla from buffy and becky from californication!) and then tried to read but was SO TIRED that i went to bed instead. at 8:43pm.

{borrowed from here}

and i had wonderful dreams where wonderful things happened.