dust in the spotlight

{from my tumblr, but really from here}

 

i want so much to tell you not to die. i know it is a useless and mostly meaningless thing to say. but i'd like to say it all the same.

i am sure you have people who actually know you, who are there, who are telling you not to die. and i know that even those people can barely create a pull, really, when the sinking begins. and i am only a girl on the internet.

i do not understand suicide. but i do understand that my lack of understanding is largely luck. my moods have not got that far in. not yet. hopefully, maybe, they never will. but also one of the many medications i take or will take might maybe tick just so. and that side effect they tell you might maybe happen will happen. i understand that my not understanding is a fragile thing. i am susceptible to that side effect, of course, too. if the nauseous and the fatigue and the headaches and the reflux and the trouble swallowing and the fitful sleeping that leads to foggy, unfocused days... if those, then the others, too, are possible.

so i understand that telling you not to die is not helpful. asking that you not die is unkind. i can feel people wanting to ask me not to die, and i want so much to promise them forever and ever i won't. i want to laugh at the absurdity of the thought because it is, for me, so far, a completely absurd one. hopefully forever and ever.

(and now, in the weeks since i wrote this, you have seemed so good. so safe and so fine. in the way that you may never be entirely fine but you are fine for now fine. and it doesn't seem so pressing that i tell you not to die. but really i don't know a single thing.)

crashed my car into the bridge

{rodarte fall 2013, photos by gianni pucci by way of style.com}

saved my life

i've been having these extreme feelings lately. (i know, right? me? and feelings?! what even is happening?) they're good feelings, mostly. but. overwhelming. like i can't possibly get all of the goodnesses into my cells in time, and it is all just too much, and oh gosh, how will i ever get all of these insides out into the world, and if i made a million movies could i ever make a scene poignant enough to have just one person watch it and understand these bursting busting feelings?

and also i bought the melancholia soundtrack on itunes, and i've been listening to that a lot. because it feels suitably epic. for these bursting busting feelings that have me staggering and stumbling through my days.




and if you made it through that beautiful-but-very-hard video, you get to watch this video. which is different. but also very very very good.



WHY IS THIS THE MOST FUNNY THING?! it is. i don't know what wizardry they're using to make it SO FUNNY but they are pulling it off. oh man. the sofa bears.

happy monday. happy december. happy bursting busting insides.

planet

seashells and melancholia.

{fall genny 2012, photos courtesy of genny by way of style.com}

be a chatty cathy

today is talk about depression day!!! which i think is so brilliant and so great and i just wanna hug clara hughes for putting her lovely face all over this thang.

i wanted to add my two cents to the conversation. because i agree that it's crazy the degree to which depression and mental health issues are stigmatized. even though i have probably the greatest most fantastically supportive families there is, i struggled with admitting that i was anxious at a completely unhealthy level and depressed for the better part of two years. it is just so hard to take your feelings and put them into the same space you put that giant gash on your foot. but now that i have started approaching my anxiety as a health issue rather than an emotional issue, dealing is just so much more unbelievably easy. i communicate with myself like i would any other physical problem.

my head hurts. why? not enough water? too much reading on a computer screen? too much laughing at videos of kittens? talking to an annoying human? okay! i can figure out how to deal with and treat each of those scenarios.

my heart is racing and i feel like the world might end. why? too much caffeine? not enough sleep? just watched a tv show with a lot of triggering high-anxiety scenes? (i'm looking at you, breaking bad...) okay! i can calm down. i can rationalize.

plus there's that helpful friend, prescription medication. balancing and balancing. not for everyone, i'm sure. but i'm happy with mine. (it took a little more than a month to settle into the meds, and that was an occasionally frustrating time. worth it.)

a friend on facebook recently posted a status about her depressive tendencies, and how she is finally able to understand that she doesn't have a 'problem', she has a chemical imbalance. and how helpful that understanding is day to day. i feel the same way. realizing that a) the way i've been feeling really isn't the way that everyone goes about feeling, and that b) that doesn't mean that i am failing at being a human. no one would think they were failing at being a human if they had a broken rib. (unless they broke that rib doing something stupid... like. ummm. street-luge.)

finally, i just want to say as clearly as i can:
there is a big difference between being sad and being depressed.
there is a big difference between being stressed and having an anxiety disorder.
it took me way too long to realize that, and i wish i had earlier and dealt with my situation sooner rather than believing it would go away when life got a bit better... when life calmed down. and i think, too, that i knew that all along. and maybe by 'us' talking about this a bit more, someone else out there who's in that same situation will get help a bit faster. and that would be great.

meanwhile. if you're feeling a bit low. this might help you cheer up at least for a minute!

and share your story, if you have one. send out questions or concerns. it's all cool, my darling lovely readers!

saved my life

don't ask questions. just go see this.



i want to see it again. and again. and again. but also not ever again. but then also everydayallday.

also i am feeling glooms this monday. so. it works. glooms monday!