legs

diving. i had been fighting with whether or not to go this week. i was tired as hell, as usual (neuro appointment so soon, omg can't wait), and i'd cycled into my 4th cold this winter. but generally getting into the pool makes me forget those things for a while. diving makes me happy and excited and almost almost feel like a real human person who is awake in the world. so. i went.

and on my second warm-up jump... (second. WARM-UP! not even attempting a basic front dive. just. hurdle, double bounce, front jump.) i lost any sense of centre, twisted in the air, and as my left foot touched down on the board, my right foot touched down on nothing and i smacked face first into the water, shinning the board on the way.

so it hurt. but not even that bad. (not as bad as my flop last week.) mostly i was confused about what my core had done. so i shook it off and laughed and got back up and did another totally messed shaky hurdle, but didn't fall off the board. buuut. coach pointed out that my shin was bleeding and had me sit down with ice on it. at which point i started crying. and then i couldn't. stop. crying. i was frustrated with myself because it didn't even really hurt, and i was only crying cuz tired/frustrated. which made me cry more, which made me more frustrated, you get the idea. then all the sweet little teenanged divers and the coaches kept asking if i was okay, and looking at me so sweetly-nicely, and that just made me more frustrated with myself cuz THIS IS FINE, STOP IT, SELF, and i couldn't think of an easy way to explain to everyone 'oh i just haven't had real sleep in, like, 2 years, and i haven't cried in a few days so my eyes are just doing this thing, it's fine, don't worry! fine, fine. go about your dives!'. embarrassed. angry. tired. tired tired. tired.

eventually i stopped crying enough to do two real simple t-jumps (so as to not have DISASTER be my last jump of the day), went to the showers, cried there for a while more, went home. ridiculous. more ice. some tv and wine.

the good news is that i'm not shaken by the board. the bad news is that i don't trust my body these days, but that isn't so much news. i look forward to a time when a mistake feels like just a mistake, not one more piece of evidence that there is something wrong that i can't seem to solve. i look forward to a time when i am not teetering constantly on an emotional edge, unbalance and brimming with fatigue. i look forward to a time when good days are more than not-feeling-like-absolute-hell, but are actually good. strong. consistent. reliable. rested. because crying on a pool deck in front of teenagers is just not cool, erin.

falling

 

GIF DAY! DIVING DAY! diving gif day for YOU!

today is the last diving day for 2013. sadface. sigh. don't worry, i'm registered for next term. i am so stoked. last week i finally got my hurdle to feel right - it is so tough when your muscle-memory just says 'NOT QUITE!' but won't tell you how to fix it... dumb muscle-memory. sure, i can't do a lot of things i could do when i was 14, but i was hoping this one would come easy. le sigh. not so. but last week! kapow! starting to make the sense again. and with that hurdle comes the height and control you need to do ALL THE DIVES! or. more of the dives... better versions of the dives i've been pretending to dive...

also, i guess this will be my awesome no-one-will-get-it halloween costume next year. yeah? haha! nonsense! fever ray. you're a weirdo. i like you. (if anyone wants to buy me a springboard, that would be cool. fyi.)

and finally: WATCH OUT! this is why you almost never see open-water diving. so dangerous.
 

saved my life

long weekend! you did it! you rocked! chilling. resting. picnicking. coconut-drinking. cartoons. new friends. roommate-joking. bike riding. wine. dog-cuddling. SLEEPING IN!

and today i registered to take up diving again in the fall. eeeeeeeeeek! haven't done it in... mmm... 14 years?! ish?! i am. so. stoked.



happy monday, short-weekers.

ff

oh i do love the olympics. so so much. and it gives me a million feelings of joyful joy and is like having a house full of puppies to cuddle with.

buuuut. it isn't perfect. (like. my pvr told me it was recording synchro yesterday, but there was NO SYNCHRO TO BE FOUND!!!) femenisting has done a good job on keeping up with the sexist-er side of the olympics. here's a good piece that links to lotsa other good pieces.

* what's the right way to be a female olympic athlete?

and also, remember when the olympics broke my heart yesterday when they interviewed meaghan benfito after the 10 meter final. ooooohhhhh sooooooo ssssaaaaaaaad! uuuggggggh.

okay. back to watching now. happy friday! try not to have too many feelings between now and sunday.

saved my life

i wanted to show this awesome puppet video that was on the morning news where the puppets tell you all about london so you're ready for the olympics... but i can't find it!! what?! so disappointing.

but don't worry. here's a video of lots of dives instead.

MAN I LOVE DIVING!!!!!!



happy monday, almost olympics!