legs

diving. i had been fighting with whether or not to go this week. i was tired as hell, as usual (neuro appointment so soon, omg can't wait), and i'd cycled into my 4th cold this winter. but generally getting into the pool makes me forget those things for a while. diving makes me happy and excited and almost almost feel like a real human person who is awake in the world. so. i went.

and on my second warm-up jump... (second. WARM-UP! not even attempting a basic front dive. just. hurdle, double bounce, front jump.) i lost any sense of centre, twisted in the air, and as my left foot touched down on the board, my right foot touched down on nothing and i smacked face first into the water, shinning the board on the way.

so it hurt. but not even that bad. (not as bad as my flop last week.) mostly i was confused about what my core had done. so i shook it off and laughed and got back up and did another totally messed shaky hurdle, but didn't fall off the board. buuut. coach pointed out that my shin was bleeding and had me sit down with ice on it. at which point i started crying. and then i couldn't. stop. crying. i was frustrated with myself because it didn't even really hurt, and i was only crying cuz tired/frustrated. which made me cry more, which made me more frustrated, you get the idea. then all the sweet little teenanged divers and the coaches kept asking if i was okay, and looking at me so sweetly-nicely, and that just made me more frustrated with myself cuz THIS IS FINE, STOP IT, SELF, and i couldn't think of an easy way to explain to everyone 'oh i just haven't had real sleep in, like, 2 years, and i haven't cried in a few days so my eyes are just doing this thing, it's fine, don't worry! fine, fine. go about your dives!'. embarrassed. angry. tired. tired tired. tired.

eventually i stopped crying enough to do two real simple t-jumps (so as to not have DISASTER be my last jump of the day), went to the showers, cried there for a while more, went home. ridiculous. more ice. some tv and wine.

the good news is that i'm not shaken by the board. the bad news is that i don't trust my body these days, but that isn't so much news. i look forward to a time when a mistake feels like just a mistake, not one more piece of evidence that there is something wrong that i can't seem to solve. i look forward to a time when i am not teetering constantly on an emotional edge, unbalance and brimming with fatigue. i look forward to a time when good days are more than not-feeling-like-absolute-hell, but are actually good. strong. consistent. reliable. rested. because crying on a pool deck in front of teenagers is just not cool, erin.