ff

this week emily yoffe, aka dear prudie, wrote an exceptionally idiotic and irresponsible piece of victim-blaming drivel about girls and drink culture and rape.

i'm not linking to it cause, ew, dude, you don't deserve the traffic. i found it because they had her on to talk about it on double x, the slate so-called feminist podcast. i can't even begin to express my 'ugh' after listening to that bullshit episode.

i'm not surprised that people continue to write stupid ass pieces about rape being, really, kinda sorta, ohi'msorrytohavetosayit, alittlebit THE VICTIM'S FAULT... (but she's not 'victim blaming', she continues to shout at the internets.)

what surprised and sickened me is that double x talked about the piece as if it was: something new. like. OMG has anyone ever noticed that sometimes ALCOHOL is involved in the sexual violence perpetuated against women and girls?! and, WORSE YET, has anyone ever noticed that high school and university experiences often involve IRRESPONSIBLE DRINKING?!

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that shit. sorry, but seriously. i'm not a journalist. i don't have research standards to meet. i don't have an editor reviewing my work... and yet i have been able to locate hundreds of hundreds of facts and statistics on rape in the US and canada. i've linked to a whoooole pile of them throughout my time feminist-fridaying. i'm also a baby-feminist. but in these few years of being concerned about the cause, i've managed to get a solid education about rape culture. so if you're going to get paid to write about rape culture, put in some goddamn time, do some fucking research, or shut the hell up and stop spewing your toxic pearl-clutching babble. what do you think you are doing to the girl who was raped when drunk? or the girl who was raped even though she did 'everything right'? what is the value of your 'advice'?

i've never been raped. yay me.
i have been completely and totally irresponsibly intoxicated. maybe even more than once!!! i went to unchaperoned parties in high school and university. i met strangers at parties or bars and i made friends with them or flirted with them or ignored them. one time when i was, like, 16 or 17 i went to a boy's house in the middle of the night with a few friends and we hid in his basement goofing off and flirting and our parents didn't know. i made mistakes and stupid choices and took risks.
but i never got raped.
because i was lucky enough that there was never a rapist around. when i was doing those things.
or when i gave rides home to people. when i lived alone. when i had new friends over for parties. or old friends... or stumbled home drunk and alone at night after a gallery opening in edinburgh. or not drunk and not alone, but still, you know, a women with my oh-so-rapeable bits just being right out there in the world.
i didn't get raped cause i wasn't with rapists.

so fuck you for implying that i somehow did something right that some other girl did wrong. or that i'm *lucky* to have made it through those experiences safely. just. fuck. you.

*just a reminder of a really GREAT campaign talking about rape that i'm so proud came out of my home town... just a reminder that talking to the ones who are making the rapes happen are the ones who we should talk to.

and once more for emphasis, fuck you emily yoffe. and shame on you.

ff

what we talk about when we talk about 'girls'...

have you read preliminary materials for theory of the young-girl? okay, i am not finished it yet. but i like it. so far. sort of off-topic. but. anyway.

this week i got into a little internets-debate with a friend-from-home who shred this post:

* FYI (if you're a teenage girl)

**worth noting that something i took real issue with - the post-accompanying photos of the author's sons goofing off in their swimwear (hear: topless) - has been changed. good. but. just to show the total disconnect. here's what the thumbnail accompanying the post was before:

so. fyi. girls. or: hey girls who are NOT MY CHILDREN stop being slutty sluts in your pictures cause boys will think poorly of you, and oh the shame your families would feel if they only knew, and just generally shame shame shaming blame blame. check out this real gem:

"Did you know that once a male sees you in a state of undress, he can’t quickly un-see it?  You don’t want our boys to only think of you in this sexual way, do you?"

{the charming and insightful mrs. hall}

patronizing and condescending much? also way to not give your boys any credit about their own ability to control their thinking-machines. all the steam coming out my ears.

now. i don't disagree outright that women-and-girls should think carefully about what they share on the internet. i do feel that boys-and-men should be careful, too. like. everyone should. like equality, amiright? we don't talk to boys like that. though. basically ever. when was the last time you read about a boy posting some sexy-stupid photo and it affecting the way girls/theworld thought about him?  was it never? i can't think of one. please do tell me if you can.

i take major issue with someone writing an open letter to ALLGIRLS (sure, her son's female acquaintances, in theory, but their being namelessgirls, the message auto-extends itself to allgirls) about how they're being viewed rather than having a good long talk with the children-you-own/made about the way that society likes to blame-and-shame young-girls and how they could do better to be respectful and thoughtful and discerning in their assumptions about women-and-girls.

there are a ton of great things written all over the internet and elsewhere about the way we view/consume/blame/shame young-girls. and there are REALLIFECONSEQUENCES to this, omg, no duh. i am not the first to talk about this.

i wasn't gonna bother writing about it for feminist friday - i had a nice friendly post with kittens lined up. but today another friend-from-home coincidentally (or-cause-this-stuff-is-constant-everywhere) linked to a timely counterpoint to the shamey piece o' garbage and, yeah, i did want to talk about it after all.

* the six ways we talk about a teenage girl's age

yes. we know (or should know, jeezus) that this dialogue hurts women-and-girls. or, as i've been reading lolita... why don't we just hear a little from humbert humbert on the matter.

"Now I wish to introduce the following idea. Between the age limits of nine and fourteen there occur maidens who, to certain bewitched travelers, twice or many times older than they, reveal their true nature which is not human, but nymphic (that is, demoniac); and these chosen creatures I propose to designate as "nymphets". 

[...] the number of true nymphets is strikingly inferior to that of provisionally plain, or just nice, or "cute," or even "sweet" and "attractive," ordinary girls, plumpish, formless, cold-skinned, essentially human little girls, with tummies and pigtails, who may or may not turn into adults of great beauty (look at the ugly dumplings in black stockings and white hats that are metamorphosed into stunning scars of the screen). A normal man given a group photograph of school girls or Girl Scouts and asked to point out the comeliest one will not necessarily choose the nymphet among them. You have to be an artist and a madman, a creature of infinite melancholy, with a bubble of hot poison in your loins and a super-voluptuous flame permanently aglow in your subtle spine [...], in order to discern at once, by ineffable signs—the slightly feline outline of a cheekbone, the slenderness of a downy limb, and other indices which despair and shame and tears of tenderness forbid me to tabulate—the little deadly demon among the wholesome children; she stands unrecognized by them and unconscious herself of her fantastic power."

{Nabokov, Lolita p. 16-17}

and holy cow, this was long before the days of facebook and instagram and the sexy-selfie started destroying girls' reputations left right and centre! imagine!?

(OH! and i haven't had a feminist-of-the-week in AGES, but definitely this week goes to nicole aka friend-from-home who shared that second/good post, and who is a great and grand feminist-friend on the facebook machine and who used to (still does?) draw awesome cat-themed drawings. woooo! yay for nicole!)

happy friday, all you sexy-kittens.