sads chats

bring on the trumpets!

it's let's talk day, the day where we talk about mental illness! (i was proof-reading this, just now, and had written 'metal illness', which is also a real thing, like lead poisoning, but is NOT what we talk about today. get your own day, metal illness! carry on.) i wrote a something about it two years back. and i've written about depression and anxiety on this here blorg many times in many ways, and with much repetition, i'm sure. i could write and write about what all it feels like, the dusty-chalk feels, the endless expanse feels, the even-more-endless expanse where the feels should be but aren't. but i don't feel(s) like it, ha ha, so i'm gonna link to some of my FAVOURITEST THINGS! that have helped me here and there when i have needed the helping.

 {by allie brosh by way of hyperbole and a half}

* depression part two by allie brosh aka hyperbole and a half

this. piece. is. devastating. and so beautiful and so true and so hard. and also so funny and so blunt.
(depression part one/adventures in depression is great too. but when it came out those of us who suffer the depressions all went 'ooohhhh no... thiiiisss is no gooood... oh no this is where it only just begins! you think you are in the depressions, and you think "hooray finally no more feels, at least" but actually you have only just breached the surface, oh no... i'm sorry. there's so much more.')
(if you haven't already read ALL HER STUFF you should, maybe even in book form?! i have her book right next to my bed and when i am THE WORST at bedtime i read some and oh, it is so great.)

* also consider listening to her interview with terry gross for fresh air

it is hard, too. some of it. but so good. terry gross has just the best way of being unassuming while getting so much out of her guests. yes good.

* the insanely brilliant strategy of the SMALL THINGS! by jennifer p at captain awkward

all. the. hoorays. i can't tell you what a difference it has made. the breakdown is: depression makes doing anything at all so fucking hard, and not doing anything at all makes you feel like a more broken, more garbage, more totally-colossally shit person. which, you can imagine, isn't great for getting to an okay place. but small jobs help. tiny to-do lists help. they meet halfway between being easy on yourself cuz you're sick goddamn, and also accomplishing a thing! feeling like a maybe real human being.

* DIY keep your shit together by rosalind robertson aka the DIY couturier

and thank god, because i try hard not to go apeshitbananas when i read those 'secret habits of happy people' that are often boiled down to 'be positive and HAPPY and you will be GREAT!!' which is a) not a secret b) NOT A THING or at least not a thing when things make it so you aren't happy. whether that thing is depression or your house burned down or some other thing that might make it hard to just POSITIVE YOUR WAY THROUGH IT *adorable loving punch in the shoulder* you'll get 'em next time! full disclosure, i was a friggin annoying as hell optimist for a looong time who really did think that in the end i'd just positive it all and wrap it up in a bow, and wow look at me go! and i don't hate all positive thinking or people who use it. i use it sometimes too. but i hate the condescension that often holds hands with the positive. the big smiley face that tilts its head and blinks blankly saying 'well you maybe are doing it wrong, or perhaps you just don't want it? i don't know! i can't imagine why it just won't WORK if you're really WORKING it... ... .. .'

{more hyperbole and a half, duh}

because the moral: depression and anxiety, they are real things in the world that are real and hard and shitty and whatever and if i am not well it is not because i don't want to be. it is not because i'm lazy or pessimistic or dumb or broken. it just is.

lastly! i read the belljar this year, and thank goodness because i sorta felt like i had a great secret-shame in the depressive/fashioning/feminist world for not having read it... and you should think about reading it too, if you haven't. it is not fun, but it is lovely and so much more. the belljar: of course. the belljar and all its foul air.

also. after-lastly... let's dance.

ff

 {borrowed from here}

happy 40th birthday to roe v. wade. i wish i could be more chipper cheerful about your birthday. but i'm feeling pretty low about the whole chipping-away-at-you thing that is happening in the states. our not-far-away-we-look-to-them-too-often neighbour. it makes me scared and it makes me tired. here are some roe v. wade gifts:

* npr fresh air talks with carolyn jones about the process of getting an abortion in texas.

(this is very good. this fresh air piece. i mean, sure it had me crying on the subway and really wishing i had a small space i could go into and scream and scream until my voice was gone from the anger of it. but. it is a good good perspective to hear. someone who chose to abort a very much wanted baby, knowing that the baby would live a horrible painful life... her story is compelling and brutal but she is level and reasoned in her telling. and terry gross also manages to keep herself even and calm throughout the interview, which i respect because, again, all i wanted to do was scream and weep which maybe aren't the most useful things.) and, too:

* always wonderful jill has a bunch of gooood info in this piece for the guardian

* maya summerizes what is happening in mississippi with the erosion of choice

and i have a question for you lot. what do we do? how do we fight hatred and ignorance and fear? what do i do? how do i be a loud, informed voice, but also not lose my mind with anger and desperation? how do i handle the absurd hypocrisy? i want to be useful. i don't know how.