counted

i was going through some paperwork last week and i came across a little drawing i did way back. i wanted to make a visual inventory of all my clothes. (and as much as possible only draw from memory. no looking at the actual garments.) because i have a lot. of clothes. i may re-visit this project now that i've remembered it. dresses. some:

saved my life

today i am feeling hollowed out. so tired, still, despite all the sleep. despite all the caffeine. truly. all the caffeine. black tea, energy capsules, red bull, coffee beans. and still falling asleep where i stand. not a moment of clarity or alertness. and then, not so surprisingly, the spinning headache and swirling cold sweat all up my arms. i am fed up with this body today.

this quiet desperate dance, then. i had forgotten how wonderful it was.



when other helpers fail and comforts flee...
still, always, my favourite hymn.
i just want to be able to make it to ballet tonight. please.

send it up

yes. exactly. awb is so fantastic. all of edmonton go to his show please. june 9th to august 18th at the art gallery of alberta.

ff

all this week i have been calling myself a princess in my brain cause i wanted to feel special or something. and then i saw this, and it made me glad.



(now this come to me by way of an article about the less-great thing disney is up to, with its new game 'city girl'. ew. see, i don't think that kids should be playing games of what real life is like, as the author talks about - the difficulties and realities of being a woman in a city like NY - but i DO agree that, HEY LET'S NOT TELL OUR GIRLS THAT COMPETITION WITH YOUR 'FRIENDS' AND WHO IS BEST DRESSED IS HOW YOU WILL BE SUCCESSFUL! if you're going to make a game about getting out there and living it up in the city, why not make a game with 100 awesome weird jobs you could get! think of all the whacky amazing cool jobs there are in a city like NY! endless. that would be a super great game. and i love clothes and decorating, and you don't have to get rid of those elements completely, but they should not not NOT be the purpose. unless its a game called 'city shopping' or something. anyway. princesses.)

happy friday, your highnesses.

slow show

i am absolutely anxiety-hearted today. every single thought is sitting on the surface of my skin.
all panic and pins.

saved my life

roommate sarah introduced me to the best song ever written. i am crying and crying for joy.



happy monday, foot-foot.

black balloons

this should be saved for monday #savedmylife but how can i not post it now? now on friday. friday night.



why on earth have i never ever thought to get all black balloons before? i'm gonna need an all-black-balloon-dance-party hecka soon.

ff

jokes! some real good jokes! because this week you probably need to do some laughing. at least you do if you are me.



and just a quick hit on this awesome young woman who is taking a stand when it comes to sex ed:

*abstinence-only and misinformation be a terrible education plan, yo!

ma-pa and i had a good chat while they were visiting about the levels of sex ed that are taught throughout canada... and how scary it is when the young folk aren't properly educated. i had an acquaintance who was sexually active as a teen and believed that as long as she did a handstand after sex, she'd be a-ok! how's about we arm people with the actual facts and then trust that the education they've been given will help them make smart choice? aces.

happy friday, bearlions.

being shot in public

generally i have decided i can't really engage with what is happening in the states with gun control. it hurts too much. i am already a person who feels too deeply, and a person who has always had a heavy-set terror of firearms. my biggest, most unfounded-in-anything-actually fear for most of my life has been of 'being shot in public'. long before i moved to a city where that might, actually, maybe, probably not, happen. i will never understand people who 'love' guns. so i don't look at much or read much about the mass shootings and the perpetual conversation about gun control. it isn't good for me. but i have read one piece this week. today. after seeing all the headlines about the senate and the despicable, pathetic vote on common-sense legislation.

* gabrielle giffords shames those who voted no.

because she is a thoughtful woman who understands what guns can do all too well. and also understands what it is to be in the shuffle of politicized priorities. and so she is the best voice i can think of to turn to.

'Some of the senators who voted against the background-check amendments have met with grieving parents whose children were murdered at Sandy Hook, in Newtown. Some of the senators who voted no have also looked into my eyes as I talked about my experience being shot in the head at point-blank range in suburban Tucson two years ago, and expressed sympathy for the 18 other people shot besides me, 6 of whom died. These senators have heard from their constituents — who polls show overwhelmingly favored expanding background checks. And still these senators decided to do nothing. Shame on them.

This defeat is only the latest chapter of what I’ve always known would be a long, hard haul. Our democracy’s history is littered with names we neither remember nor celebrate — people who stood in the way of progress while protecting the powerful. On Wednesday, a number of senators voted to join that list.'

{gabrielle giffords for the new york times}

obsessed with succulents and dust

 {stolen from my own tumblr, aka stolen from somewhere a million times over}

i am a million miles away. that is always running through my head.

i used to always feel like a girl with her arms outstretched and reaching, everything slipping off the ends of her fingers. like i was perpetually on the edge of having a grip, but then never actually getting it. like i was so close. dropping all the things. and it was an awful feeling. being that close, but still not. constantly, frantically, straining.

and now i am a girl who is so far away from that, it doesn't seem like it was ever even a thing. and i'm not sure that it is better. i am sure that it is more reckless... but. it is different. at least. it is quieter and more still. somehow.

saved my life

i was trying to come up with the exact perfect running song for today. for boston. for my family's sport. but i couldn't. nothing was quite right and everything felt silly or trite. so. instead i'll acknowledge that that was today. and that it hurts my insides. and then i'll go on with what i was planning in the first place.

so soon. i will be seeing this. so so soon. i can't hardly wait.



happy monday. smile at any and every runner you see.

ff

over the last few weeks, as i spend hoards of time scrolling through images on tumblr, i have been thinking a lot about nudity. something i haven't engaged in much since i was in art school... the thinking. i essentially see nudity in two ways.

one where it is this totally whatever thing, such a regular and mundane thing. anatomy. part of learning colour and light and flesh as an artist. it becomes universal and boring, almost. i hated drawing and painting nudes by the end of my art school career because it was so booooring. i felt like i could only tell an interesting story when there were clothes involved. and otherwise they were just studies. technical. and so the naked body was very 'meh!'.

but then, too, there is the politicalized/objectified/sexualized/empowered/inhibited body. (hey look! it s almost only ever the female body that ends up in this second category...) where body politics are so real and so polarizing... and of course such a huge part of feminism. bodily autonomy  is such a massive goal for women. how we handle our bodies. whether we have the freedom to choose both internally and externally how our bodies go through the world. when we are still slut-shaming and putting in women's hand the responsibility to not be sexual victims rather than attempting to progress the idea that maybe men should be responsible for whether or not they objectify and victimize. nakedness, then, is a very big thing. a short skirt is dangerous. is an act of rebellion.

so it is very conveniently timed that the following piece came my way this week:

*topless jihad day

and i thought YAY but also hmmmmm... how do i feel about women getting their tits out for a cause? the part of me that thinks of bodies as kind of silly things and nudity and really not a big deal thinks 'yeah! shake it up, ladies. ra ra! show the absurdity of women's breast being such a scandalizing thing when they are JUST BREASTS! just flesh. haha. wooo!' but the part of me that worries about the 'male gaze' and what bodies we deem appropriate to look at (aka skinny, conventionally pretty, young) and the degree to which these women are becoming, always, again, objects.

and then, YAY OH YAY! a really aces conversation on a facebook wall in response to the response to the above piece. allow me to quote some of the cool folks on the facebook machine. (THANKS JENN DUNCAN AND PALS!)

jenn said:
'As a woman, my main issue is with this persistent idea that by turning our bodies into objects -- even if we're the ones choosing to do so -- women will somehow break through age-old cultural taboos, customs, and laws that keep us socially and legally constricted.
... 
What remains interesting to be is what it means when women use their bodies as part of a subversive tactic. Is this an attempt to desexualise the body or are women using this to shock and sexualise the debate? What are the implications of these tactics?'

to which the replies ran as follows:
adele wessell:
'I'm really torn on this. For the first time in ages I haven't known how I felt about a protest action. Aren't they saying ths is my body and don't they get such a huge media response that might contribute to highlighting different issues than are normally reported...? At the same time I also find it hard to imagine people taking the bare breast seriously and it also not attracting a whole lot of creeps who like the femen Facebook pages for very different reasons. Is the measure of a good protest strategy the outcome or the debate. I've struggled... Not sure.'
jess duncan:
'I fully share your perspective. Women should own their bodies and attempts to de-sexualise the female body are fundamental to feminism, so long as they also respect sexuality, but I don't really think this is about that. I just get stuck on using the feminine body as a tool in political protest seems to reinforce so many of the challenges they are fighting. It's a tension inherent to late capitalism taken to a corporeal level. It's not their bodies on the line, it's their boobs and they don't control how the images are used which is where it gets more messy for me.'
emma hooper:
'I agree with Jess Duncan here, especially as all the footage I've seen (and since I notice this, I've been looking up lots) is of, well, hot girls. Where are are the women over 40's breasts? Is this, in some way, reinforcing the idea that a woman's body should be free and her own... so long as she's young and hot: aka not her own at all? I understand that there is a certain demographic drawn to protest, and that's fine, of course. But there's one striking picture of a cute 20-something topless girl protester next to a fully clothed 60-something woman protester. What's the message there?'
desmond leo:
'Societal change is quite often dictated by the extremes because those extremes set the boundaries for which to gauge the appropriate middle (so to speak). I absolutely applaud the case of the Fems using nudity as protest because it redefines the playing field. When one side of the argument is literally threatening death because a woman is improperly dressed (not even because they're naked), what else can you do but challenge that control with complete defiance? As for why there are not many older women who are naked and protesting in the same way - it is not because young women tend to sexualize their bodies - it's because the younger generations are still bold and ideological enough to challenge such ingrained institutions. Sure, in a perfect world, mature discourse would be the way to go. However, many of the freedoms we currently take for granted were at one point "extreme" and we only have those freedoms now because at one point a group of men/women decided to challenge that standard by "dressing naked" (figuratively speaking).'
cathleen kneen:
'Jess, I wouldn't go tops-off for the same reason that I quit smoking pot: If I am going to make a political statement, I want it to be clear and difficult to misinterpret. It is certainly true that media pick up on such actions, but I have never been able to trust the media to adequately communicate my message.' 

and there was more, too, said. but those are the ones that sum up nicely and ask the questions i like to see asked. i am very glad that this kind of discourse is happening in my world.

and now i will direct you off on a slight tangent, but one that has been a relevant backdrop to my thinking. snp wrote about nudity vs nakedness, and the conventions of beauty. (i love what she says about how she is never as happy being complimented on her 'natural' self rather than on her made-up dressed-up self. about the biased and very much rammed home idea of conventional beauty... 'natural' beauty... what we deem 'worth' looking at.) 

*no body is too nude for a billboard 

AND THAT'S IT FOR THIS WEEK! hahaha. that's all. did you make it all the way down here? my money is on mom, dad, and chris having dropped out way back around the first link... but if you did make it here. CONGRATULATIONS! YAY! i will give you a cookie next time we hang out. how's THAT! ha HA! 

happy friday, every bodies! 

meanwhile

oh hi my parents are here and i'm busy showing them around and goofing off and eating, so here's a picture of margene and also a picture of birds on the church near my place.

unicorns IV

i thought i was done with rad things i read about spring breakers. but i was wrong. stumbled across another solid piece of writing on the subject. so. the fourth thing i've read on spring breakers!!! maybe is this my favourite film since melancholia? maybe it is. yes, probably. maybe.

'Truly, the opening five minutes of Spring Breakers is the most terrifyingly apocalyptic marriage of sound and image since A-bomb met "We'll Meet Again" in Dr. Strangelove. 

There is also the beautiful deflation of the particularly American and particularly pathetic fantasy that one can "reinvent" oneself by going someplace warmer with more sunshine (as Nathanial West's Homer Simpson discovers, the only difference between being miserable in Nebraska and miserable in Hollywood is that Hollywood adds the additional misery of thinking one should be happier because they are no longer in Nebraska).  Thus the film's dreamlike mantra from Alien/Franco, "Spring Break foe-evah, y'all," as if a life of perpetual intoxication, fucking, and sun-drenched beach-balling wouldn't eventually become its own version of hell (or at least a gateway to terrible, terrible chaffing). In a particularly nasty running commentary, Faith (Selena Gomez) waxes rhapsodic about how she has finally "found herself" during the trip to Florida, that "self" being a drunken sloth motivated primarily by a reluctance to go back to college and do something useful in life.'

{jeffrey sconce chez ludic despair} 

saved my life

seeing as spring breakers has been running around my head for the last week, it is only fitting that we have a little bit o' the soundtrack. not so much about the videos. (i mean... the first skrillex isn't a video at all.) play the songs. turn off all the lights. dance around with your hair in your eyes.







happy monday forevah y'all.

sun of a gun

maybe you forgot about this time when margene did some dancing to some awesome tunes? don't worry. i will always be here to remind you. of the time when margene did some dancing to some awesome tunes.

ff

USA!
USA!
AMUUURICAAAA!!!!!

* condoms totes equal SEX WORKER

nothing says 'land of the free' like intense moralizing and the abuse of power! shaming! VEILED THREATS, GUYS! FUN!!! ladies so totally shouldn't be taking charge their sexual safety and reproductive options. i mean... they should leave it all in the hands of their men and hope for the best, riiight? that's responsible sexual behavior.

'I was detained, yelled at, patted down, fingerprinted, interrogated, searched, moved from room to room and person to person without food, water or being told what was going on for what seemed like forever. Just as I thought they were tiring of me and going to refuse me entry but at least let me back into Aruba, a ‘Bad Cop’ type took me to a distant, isolated office and yelled at me that I was full of shit. He had found information online that in the last couple of years I had been modelling and acting. This, he concluded, was special code for sex work, and I was never going to enter the U.S.A. ever again. I tried not to laugh and cry at the same time. I told him I'm currently writing a book on the sociology of sexual assault. 

"Are you looking to be sexually assaulted?" I blinked at him. I couldn't breathe.

"Was that meant to be funny?" "No, it wasn't." "Ah, no. I'm definitely not." 

"Well, it sure seems like you are." "... How so?" He wouldn't elaborate.'

{clay nikiforuk (a nom de plume to protect the author) for rabble.ca}

unicorns III

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnd, you know what's coming: third thing i've read on spring breakers! oh my god, yes, surface. yip yip. fyi i am planning on seeing it again. soon.

"Harmony Korine revels in surfaces. Lubed girl flesh, bong glass, iridescent shades. The custom paint jobs on sick cars. Nail polish. Breakers shines so hard you could snort lines off it, and there’s plenty of coke in it, too.

True to form, Korine eschews plot in favour of an ocean-chewing performance by one of the most irritating men of our generation, and a great actor, James Franco. Skrillex scores, so Breakers is edited like a 92-minute cave rave. Phrases (“Spring break forever!”), lines (“It feels as if the world is perfect, like it’s never gonna end …”), and sometimes whole paragraphs morph into mordant refrains. There are not 10 consecutive seconds of silence. Gunshots pop like Bubblicious. Whoops become cries."

{sarah nicole prickett chez the globe & mail}

etta

speeeeaking of women writers... here's what my sister has been getting up to......

* everybody wants etta

i mean, whatever, no big deal, she's just a mega super star who is going to take over the world and go on oprah. dibs on being her stylist! DIBS DIBS!

unicorns II

and the second thing i've read on spring breakers. i am so so glad that there are such badass smart women writing about this film. i was nervous, while i watched it in a packed theatre that would cheer boorishly at all the t&a, that so much of what would be (has been) written would be either 'AHHHH! sexploitation!' or 'wooooooooooooo! BABES!'. which would very much be missing the point, yes? yes.

"It’s like Now and Then, except instead of saving up for a tree house, 

they rob a chicken shack to fund their spring break. Instead of riding bicycles and stealing boys’ clothes from the lake, they roll with a drug dealer and make off with a pink Lamborghini. It’s Korine’s pervy and pyretic ode to teensploitation movies, a twisted take on Godard’s idea that “all you need for a movie is a gun and a girl”—a gun and a girl in a bikini, that is."

 {durga chew-bose for hazlit}

saved my life

although i don't tend to count pink in my top-favourite pop artists, i've always like her. i believe her somehow... and i am a fan especially for her body, which is so muscular and powerful and not at all aiming to be model-movie-star-skinny. i feel like she could kick a lot of ass. and then my ballet teacher told me about this video where she dances, and wow impressive. hand to hand and everything. power house. easter pastels.

unicorns

first thing i have read on spring breakers, because i was so sure i had to see the movie before i waded through all the presssssss. (and yes, i was right, i did. glad i waited.) so far, so yeah.

"Spring Breakers strips Western capitalism down bare—to t&a and guns—sex and death.

The unicorn represents the purity of our violent intentions. We are a mystical creature.

Scarface on repeat—the masculine precedent of Spring Breakers. The girls get the happy ending."

{fiona duncan chez her tumblr}