today i read

* a look at the race conversation from 'in conversation - chris rock' (by aisha harris)

{from slate's browbeat}

oh hot damn, this is good shit. yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss exactly. yup yup. yes.

ff

a friend texted me yesterday, while i was out running work errands, that he was crying over the sentencing in the rehtaeh parsons case.

 

remember her? rehtaeh. we aren't supposed to use her name. remember? remember how well reporting went for her? remember that there was a photograph of her rape, and still she was blamed and shamed and doubted and mocked? remember how cruel the world was to her? remember how she did not survive it? remember how we grieved when she died?

 



{rehtaeh's father, delivering the victim impact statement yesterday as reported by the cbc}

'why wouldn't a person report an assault?'
'we are having a watershed moment!'

{amanda hess writes on rehtaeh for slate.com}

i don't know what justice would look like, exactly. i don't. but i know this isn't it. i don't like prison as a catch-all. but i want something. i want something better than this. a system that rips a girl to shreds when she has already been broken apart.

the system is broken. the system is sick and rotting at its core.

'why wouldn't a person report an assault?'
'we are having a watershed moment!'

forgive me if i am not a believer. forgive me if i am too tired, even, to cry for her again. and for the ones who never got brought out into the public eye, whose assaults stayed 'community matters', who will never even come close to this non-justice-justice, to being heard and believed and cared for.

happy friday, don't forget.

on sin or evil

* i knew about jian ghomeshi. i never said anything.am i complicit in his alleged abuse?

this is a very good essay that makes me angry and sad all at once.

the anger.

but
i liked doing that show.

i like his show,
i like his team,
i like his movies,
i like his song,

willful blindness. looking away at the necessary moments. because of what we don't want to give up. because we are selfish.

i am not saying i am better or different because i am not. in this instance, with women and what is done to them, sure. but. i have my things. where i fall short. and that is why the sad.
we are all selfish. we all have our areas, we all have our things.

but i like that i can afford that dress,
but i like the coffee there,
but i like the convenience,

sometimes i am overwhelmed with the huge acts of cruelty, hatred, violence in this world we live in. but other times it is the teeny tiniest of evils that we all participate in daily that leave me feeling hopeless. they are so small, but so infinite. how can you get rid of all those passing moments of weakness, selfishness? what on earth do you do with those?

ff

**a bit of a rant this week. if you don't have time to read it all, go right to the bottom and watch the kristen schaal video because it is perfect. but. also. you should read the post! but. definitely don't miss the video.**

last week mike pesca made an epic mistake in a throw-away intro to the gist podcast which, more or less, said:
hey ladies. don't be offended by the wedding dress ad. you're over-reacting and silly.

i. was. furious.
because pesca is a favourite of mine, who up till that moment, i had thought of as one hell of a feminist voice in the slate world which can be a little soft-sided and old-fashioned in its feminism. he has changed my mind about things a few times. i often disagree with him, but have never been upset by something he's said. i respect the way he comes to his opinions, how he constructs his arguments, the vigour with which he researches any given perspective. not so on this. i was. offended. angry. very much.

i wrote pesca an email* in which i pointed out all the ways that the BRIDE trope is limiting and diminishing to women, all the ways that women are hurt by the sickly weird world that has been constructed around bride-dom. how it is beyond BEYOND beyond loaded, and pointedly tone deaf when trying to engage an entire massive demographic in your politics. so so so patronizing. i said how appalled and saddened i was that such a thoughtful man could be so dismissive of obvious sexism, and so unkind to the women who were speaking against it. 'punch up!' i said. telling women to stop being so emotional, angry, over-reactive is outright hurtful, and i expected better.

(worth noting, sarah-the-roommate, who is worlds less emotional in her feminism, and worlds more experienced, read, considered, educated, was as angry. i learned that later when we were catching up on each other's weeks. but also: i'm tired as fuck of being deferential in my own feminist opinions, as if they're somehow less valid because i'm emotional. you know. cuz laaaadies be weepin. and i was way too kind, in hindsight, in my email. way too gentle and apologetic. i'm tired and tired and tired of holding out my hands, warmly saying 'let me help you understand this sexism you are perpetrating' with the big eyes of a kindergarten teacher. 'i'm so sorry i have to be hard on you, i'm so sorry i'm asking you to confront the utter shitty-ness and hypocrisy of your behaviour.' so, bonus for you - this awesome piece on feminism NOT needing to make men feel all cozy. and double-bonus - the womansplainer.)

sarah and i were both fairly certain there would be an apology on the podcast this week. as it was such an out of character stance for him to have taken, and surely he would think 'oh fuck, that was stupid, glib and irresponsible of me.'

but that didn't happen. he did write me back, and responded to a tweet from sarah, as well as he and i had a twitter back-and-forth for a bit. and basically he stood by it all, saying that what he simply didn't see sexism in the advertisement, or in his reaction to it, and that everybody gets pandered to. (in his email he pointed out that there are ads targeting the men-who-love-guns set too. so. NOT SEXISM, SEE! sure, those ads are targeting specific individuals and not AN ENTIRE GENDER, and oh, white men really have a problem with being misunderstood and tokenized in politics, oh wait...)

ANYWAY! the point is. i'm bummed as fuck. i've tried to listen to the gist since, because it really was my favourite podcast before this, and i just can't. if we're gonna talk like the republican ads, so other ladies can understand, it is like i was, like, totally in love with this man and now i'm like, totally disappointed and heartbroken cause, like, he doesn't get me at all. so, like, time to have some bitch-time with my galpal kristen schaal:



happy friday, boyfriends, fiancés, husbands! xoxo

* i thought about putting the full email and twitter exchange up, but i've already written a lot today. so. let me know. if you wanna see it. i'll put it up if you want.

ff

OMG BOYS! you NEED to read this ground-breaking reporting on female desire!! QUICK! QUUUUICK!

* some truths about female desire

ooooo baby, who just had their mind BLOWN?!
happy friday, half-poodles.

ff

this week! good faith conversation! it has been a pretty decent week on the internets. wha?! i know, weird. at least on my end, i was part of and/or witness to some good debate on various subjects where people were reasonably kind and respectful and humour-ful and that is so nice! we don't always have to agree, yo! we can still be friends.

after last week's double x podcast exploded my brain, i am pleased to be directing you to a slade podcast that i expected to explode my brain... and instead was pretty great to listen to!

* the gentleman scholar chats with anna holmes (founding editor of jezebel)

jezebel can be real hit and miss for me, and i often find them to be aggressively inflammatory without being helpful. not always, certainly. but. a flawed site. (omg, a site that isn't perfect?!) and i didn't know the gentleman scholar (troy patterson) going in, but i was suspicious as i so often am about men giving advice on the internets.

but they did good! they struggle sometimes with getting their ideas formed or clearly stated, but they approach each other with good faith. and oh man, is that nice to hear! give it a listen. tell me what you think. where did they hit and where did they miss?

happy friday, friendlies.

ff

this week emily yoffe, aka dear prudie, wrote an exceptionally idiotic and irresponsible piece of victim-blaming drivel about girls and drink culture and rape.

i'm not linking to it cause, ew, dude, you don't deserve the traffic. i found it because they had her on to talk about it on double x, the slate so-called feminist podcast. i can't even begin to express my 'ugh' after listening to that bullshit episode.

i'm not surprised that people continue to write stupid ass pieces about rape being, really, kinda sorta, ohi'msorrytohavetosayit, alittlebit THE VICTIM'S FAULT... (but she's not 'victim blaming', she continues to shout at the internets.)

what surprised and sickened me is that double x talked about the piece as if it was: something new. like. OMG has anyone ever noticed that sometimes ALCOHOL is involved in the sexual violence perpetuated against women and girls?! and, WORSE YET, has anyone ever noticed that high school and university experiences often involve IRRESPONSIBLE DRINKING?!

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck that shit. sorry, but seriously. i'm not a journalist. i don't have research standards to meet. i don't have an editor reviewing my work... and yet i have been able to locate hundreds of hundreds of facts and statistics on rape in the US and canada. i've linked to a whoooole pile of them throughout my time feminist-fridaying. i'm also a baby-feminist. but in these few years of being concerned about the cause, i've managed to get a solid education about rape culture. so if you're going to get paid to write about rape culture, put in some goddamn time, do some fucking research, or shut the hell up and stop spewing your toxic pearl-clutching babble. what do you think you are doing to the girl who was raped when drunk? or the girl who was raped even though she did 'everything right'? what is the value of your 'advice'?

i've never been raped. yay me.
i have been completely and totally irresponsibly intoxicated. maybe even more than once!!! i went to unchaperoned parties in high school and university. i met strangers at parties or bars and i made friends with them or flirted with them or ignored them. one time when i was, like, 16 or 17 i went to a boy's house in the middle of the night with a few friends and we hid in his basement goofing off and flirting and our parents didn't know. i made mistakes and stupid choices and took risks.
but i never got raped.
because i was lucky enough that there was never a rapist around. when i was doing those things.
or when i gave rides home to people. when i lived alone. when i had new friends over for parties. or old friends... or stumbled home drunk and alone at night after a gallery opening in edinburgh. or not drunk and not alone, but still, you know, a women with my oh-so-rapeable bits just being right out there in the world.
i didn't get raped cause i wasn't with rapists.

so fuck you for implying that i somehow did something right that some other girl did wrong. or that i'm *lucky* to have made it through those experiences safely. just. fuck. you.

*just a reminder of a really GREAT campaign talking about rape that i'm so proud came out of my home town... just a reminder that talking to the ones who are making the rapes happen are the ones who we should talk to.

and once more for emphasis, fuck you emily yoffe. and shame on you.