we're on eachothers' team

twice this year i have cried and cried and cried over the death of a celebrity. being empathic to a crippling degree means i get real sad about stuff all the time, and i'm generally pretty okay at being rational while being sad, but these two got through real deep. philip seymour hoffman, robin williams.

i've talked about depression times a million on here, and elsewhere, and i'm tired so tired and would probably just say the same things again, open heart breakable heart, void vs ache, the nothing, and and and, so go back and read if you feel like it. there are also other people saying things too, of course. i am grateful to them.

today, just : there are a lot of spectacular amazing gifted giving smart funny gentle badass beautiful humans on team depression. it makes being in the club a little better to think about them. the ones who talk and do and fight however they can, even if it is just tiny in my livingroom, they make it better to be a person who has been depressed and will pretty much certainly be depressed again at some point. but. oof. it is a hard team to be on. of course. because it is a team that loses a lot, a lot of good ones, best ones. this year has been a bad one for our team. and i am so sad.

on this

 {philip seymour hoffman}

i used to think it was silly to get upset over celebrity deaths. i mean, really upset. beyond the general sadness that you feel when anyone dies, the sort of heavy shrug knowing someone has lost someone and of course that is sad. but to get really upset. to feel that i was suffering. that i had any part of that loss. it seemed silly. until alexander mcqueen died. and all my reason dropped out from under me, and i was shaken in a way i didn't really have any right to. i was furious and lost. i felt as though my team, my family, had suffered a truly terrible loss. like 'we' would never be the same. whoever 'we' was. not a real thing, 'we', just a feeling.

"His metier was human loneliness — 

the terrible uncinematic kind that has very little to do with high-noon heroism and everything to do with everyday empathy — 

and the necessary curse of human self-knowledge." 

{tom junod on hoffman. for esquire}

yesterday's news of philip seymour hoffman's passing had that same hard and harsh impact. i felt and feel hollowed out. and i feel sickly sad and embarrassed, ashamed? what right do i have to mourn him? his family, his kids, his friends. 'we' are losing an artist, and the idea of a man. they have lost a person. a true and complete person. i am mourning him, though. i can't help it. i am selfish and i will miss him and his work so so much. 'we' will never be the same.