all about e

i've thought a lot about how much of myself to put into this blorg-thing. how personal to get. part of me is always cautioning (in the voice of my mother...) to be careful. but then i am always a little too careful. a little too anxious. by nature. and being unashamed and a little over dramatic helps me remember that these feeelings that i am constantly feeeeling are not to be taken too seriously. which is all to say that this post will be about me and feelings and things that are maybe private. so. if you're here just for the fashion, feel free to skip over all of these words.

i hired a matchmaker. to make me a match.

the part of me that worries what the 'world' thinks is embarrassed. but most of me is just excited. because this city is big and hard and expensive and i love it so much, but it is big and hard and expensive. and my friends' friends are lovely, i'm sure, but wrong. and online is this sad space where most of my time is spent weeding through the worst of the worst trying to find the better and best... emma says i should write a something about eharmony titled 'overweight christians with bad grammer'. i try to be open minded. but i cannot ever imagine myself with someone in their late 20's or ealry 30's who doesn't know that 'alot' is in fact two words. and thinks that a woman who drinks scotch is an alcoholic. (yes. this is an eharmony question... 'what do you think of a woman who drinks scotch?' and a tragic amount of men think she must have an unhealthy relationship with the booze because no woman ever could just enjoy scotch, am i right?!) yes. i am a snob. but isn't it better to know that and be honest than to pretend i'm not? (or maybe i should stop thinking that wanting a high-functioning feminst-ish man is snobby. anyways.)

and then there are the okcupid types who like to say things like 'what up babe?' or 'hey sweet-cheeks!' and then insult my glasses. because negging is the best way. always. of course.

and i am not saying that they are all like that. just. a lot. (alot.) and it isn't fun. this sifting and sighing through, wondering how i am having to do this.

so. a new and exciting thing! a matchmaker. we have met. and she is sweet and funny and open and kind. i liked her right away on the phone, and just as much in person. and i am bubbly and eager again! nervous and smiling. and excited.

when we met and talked about what i wanted, she chastised me gently for being too open. (which seems funny to me knowing how judgmental i can be.) i explained that i have dated/loved men of many types and found them to be wonderful, so how could i possibly say 'only tall' or 'only slim' or 'only...' anything? education doesn't actually matter if they're smart and curious and eager... age doesn't actually matter if they're present and grounded... blah blah. the point. to all of this. is that i did get to thinking about what i want. but. not really from them. these potential matches. i mean. i made a list. but it is really all about me. and who i'd like to be in this ideal partnership. you can figure out what i mean. i suspect. so. here. is what i am thinking:

* i want you to want to spend your life with me because i am exciting.
* i do not want to get watered down.
* i want you to somehow, magically, draw me out and get me to really talk.
* i want to go on vacations where we lay around sweaty, drinking coffee and reading and smoking - even though we are not smokers - because it is romantic.
* i want you to take pictures of me until i am not self-conscious and until i look like actually-me.
* i want you to understand anxiety - that it is meaningless and all-encompassing.

and some more things, too, surely. but for now.
i haven't given this to my matchmaker. but if she does her internet research, she'll find it. (ha! HI!)

and now. i am going to go for drinks and have fun and not have any of this on my mind and just meet some humans.